I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
