I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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