when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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