Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
