WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
