Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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