I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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