I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
