she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
