Your dad touched me again.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
