Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
