Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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