I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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