I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
