Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
