yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
