The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
