I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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