Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
