im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Randomize
