I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I cannot find my penis.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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