Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
She's the barista slut.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
