eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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