I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize