I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize