she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
