I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
