I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
