So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
