i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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