i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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