i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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