Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
