Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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