I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
