Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
