i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
