just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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