I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
