meet me or not, i'm out of control
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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