This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
