He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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