saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
