i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
