i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
