I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
