I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
