I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
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