She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
