just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
