How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
