new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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