We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
false alarm. still invincible.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
