We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
