I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
