she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
