Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
