last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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