even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
