my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
We smell like vodka and hangover
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