I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I think I sprained my soul last night
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
