I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
